dawn

I   c l o s e   m y   e y e s   a n d   l i s t e n

 

F o r   t h e   e v e r - c o m i n g   s o u n d

 

T h e   s o u n d   t h a t   g i v e s   f u l l   w a r n i n g

 

T h a t   m o r n i n g ' s   c o m i n g   ' r o u n d .

 

T h e   s t a r s   h a d   b e e n   m y   c o m p a n y

 

T h r o u g h o u t   t h e   l o n g   d a r k   n i g h t

 

B u t   n o w   t h e y   a l l   m u s t   d i s a p p e a r

 

F o r   t h e   s u n   i s   n e a r '   i n   s i g h t .

 

T h e   s u n s h i n e   s e a r s   t h e   s t a r l i g h t

 

A s   i t   c o m m a n d e e r s   t h e   m o r n

 

A n d   a l l   t h a t   k e p t   m e   s a f e   t h r o u g h   n i g h t

 

I s   p u t   t o   d e a t h   a t   d a w n   .   .   .

but

see but still be blind . . .

hear but still be deaf . . .

discover but fail to find . . .

taken but not be kept . . .

secure but not be safe . . .

speak but not say a word . . .

win but have no race . . .

listened to but not be heard . . .

muscles but not be strong . . .

driven but nowhere to drive . . .

right but always wrong . . .

living but not alive . . .

cared for but not know love . . .

practice but refuse to do . . .

higher but never above . . .

smart but not a clue . . .

There She Sits

There she sits . . .

Some say she cared too little, some say she cared too much; but in her mind at least they said she cared. Some say she was their hero, some say she was their villain; but in her mind at least she was something to them. Some say she was too loud, some say she was too quiet; but in her mind at least she was heard. Some say she was too open-hearted, some say her heart was too closed off; but in her mind at least they knew she had a heart. Some say she knew where she was going, some say she had lost her way; but in her mind at least they know she was going somewhere . . .

There she sits . . .

Knowing where she's going, but so completely lost. Running on a schedule in a land that time has all but forgotten. So much on her heart to share, but absolutely no one to share it with. A heart with such determination, and yet short the drive required to tap into it. A thousand brilliant words to say, but mute to her own power. Having lost some treasures, but rendered oblivious to all she has gained. A life full of obvious hope, and yet blind to all before and behind her. A mind overflowing with knowledge, but having no idea how to utilize or control it . . .

There she sits . . .

Well within reach, but no one can touch her. In a crowd, but on her own. Breathing in and out, but holding her breath for the next wave. Open, but fenced off. Desperate for a hug, but so cold and prickly. Boldly facing the storm set before her, but so frightened she cries alone . . .

There she sits . . .

In a complete state of confusion and despair but clinging desperately to the one notion she knows has never forsaken her . . . has never lead her astray . . . has never shown her contempt . . . has never abandoned her . . .

There she sits . . .

Loving her friends, loving her enemies, loving her family, loving her strengths, loving her weaknesses, loving her insight, loving her confusion, but then she realizes that these all encompass one single thing, the thing that sometimes she wishes she could run from, one thing she could abandon . . . loving her God and loving her life . . .

There she sits . . .

On her own, but someone whispers something into her heart . . . something she will never forget, something she will never understand, something she will hold in her heart, something she will shout to the world, something so soft, something so strong, something ageless, something perfect . . .

There she stands . . .

In truth, in light, arms out stretched, heart abandoned, ears shut to lies, eyes open to truth, tired of the possible, longing for the impossible . . .

There she stands . . .

There she realizes . . .

There she knows . . .

There she proclaims . . .

"  L   O   V   E          N   E   V   E   R          F   A   I   L   S  "

Love Is.

In the world today i find myself sometimes questioning the strength of the line between love and hate. I won't go political and comment on wars or anything like that, but i hardly need to living in the world i do today. Everywhere i look people - just regular everyday people - are doing all possible to shred and destroy those that they apparently 'love'. I know where the only example of perfect love can be found, and within Him my heart will be found forever, but recent events have sparked an interest in what love actually is, because i know i dont understand it.

You receive a phone call at midnight one night to find your best friend has passed away. It would hurt like crazy, you would die a little inside forever, your world would fall apart and you feel like you'd never be okay, all because you love them right? But what does that phrase, "I love you" actually mean to you? Would you be destroyed because they were gone? Or would you be destroyed because you miss them?

I would find myself torn because while I would give anything to trade places with them, is it because I think the world would be a better place with them or is it that I believe I can't live without her? One reason is borne of love, the other of hate . . . can the reasons co-exist or is the paradox too great? Does the evidence of the two being present within the reasoning behind such a statement act as proof of love and hate? Or would my desire to not exist without my best friend be what is really driving me and therefore proving me to be acting out of selfishness, which is, broken down, a hate of where I'm at.

Lets take it all back a few steps though, back to what physiology told me love was. Scientifically, love is felt when a particular pattern of neurons fire in a particular order when certain chemicals are released simultaneously into the brain. But, setting that aside, lets say love is a particularly strong emotion, the strongest along with hate in fact. But how can emotions be truth? They can be altered, controlled, consciously changed. Truth, by definition, is unwavering, unmoving, unchanging. Truth must withstand the test of time and circumstance; otherwise it is little more than a fad. Keeping in mind perception of truth is a completely different matter as well as what is truth and what we believe to be truth are two totally different things, let's look at yet another example.

My hair is black. Plain and simple, it is a very, very dark black. Truth, yes? Not entirely. My hair is actually a very light brown / ash blonde. No amount of dying, covering or weather-ware can change the fact that, when traced all the way back to its roots, its origins, where it comes from, is that brown / ash blonde colour. So, if love is an emotion, that means we can choose to love. That makes it wavering. That makes it changeable. BUT was the love always there to begin with? Do we just choose whether or not we acknowledge its presence? Can I then draw that by hating I am proving the possibility of love? And then, am I therefore acknowledging the existence of love?

Kurt Tucholsky, a 19th century German essayist and poet once said, "those who hate most fervently must have once loved deeply: those who want to deny the world must have once embraced what they now set on fire." This is a long shot, but bear with me. If we have it within us to hate ourselves so much that we can intentionally sabotage all we aim for, that we can slash our own skin, that we can starve our bodies, that we can chase away those we love so we really are alone, but most of all that we can deprive ourselves of the one key that can actually set us free from the above torments, does this mean something far greater than the surface observation that we, as human beings, are all mentally unstable? Probably. But, does that then mean that by having the ability to withhold such freedoms, we also have the power to embrace them? Is it in fact not a choice to create such a freedom, but to accept the freedom that is there, unwavering, unchanging, unmoving, which, broken down, can be translated to truth?

Taking all this into account as well as the famous 'God is love' verse (1 John 4:8), does that then mean the opposite of faith is not in fact heresy, but indifference? Does the fact someone would care that they can't 'find' God mean that they acknowledge His existence? That He is here, amongst this mess, this tangle, this over-thought, over-reasoned, misunderstood, confusing existences we find ourselves lost in?

The best piece of writing I have ever produced is this:

"There she sits . . .

Some say she cared too little, some say she cared too much; but in her mind at least they said she cared. Some say she was their hero, some say she was their villain; but in her mind at least she was something to them. Some say she was too loud, some say she was too quiet; but in her mind at least she was heard. Some say she was too open-hearted, some say
her heart was too closed off; but in her mind at least they knew she had a heart. Some say she knew where she was going, some say she had lost her way; but in her mind at least they know she was going somewhere . . .

There she sits . . .

Knowing where she's going, but so completely lost. Running on a schedule in a land that time has all but forgotten. So much on her heart to share, but absolutely no one to share it with. A heart with such determination, and yet short the drive required to tap into it. A thousand brilliant words to say, but mute to her own power. Having lost some treasures, but rendered oblivious to all she has gained. A life full of obvious hope, and yet blind to all before and behind her. A mind overflowing with knowledge, but having no idea how to utilize or control it . . .

There she sits . . .

Well within reach, but no one can touch her. In a crowd, but on her own. Breathing in and out, but holding her breath for the next wave. Open, but fenced off. Desperate for a hug, but so cold and prickly. Boldly facing the storm set before her, but so frightened she cries alone . . .

There she sits . . .

In a complete state of confusion and despair but clinging desperately to the one notion she knows has never forsaken her . . . has never lead her astray . . . has never shown her contempt . . . has never abandoned her . . .

There she sits . . .

Loving her friends, loving her enemies, loving her family, loving her strengths, loving her weaknesses, loving her insight, loving her confusion, but then she realizes that these all encompass one single thing, the thing that sometimes she wishes she could run from, one thing she could abandon . . . loving her God and loving her life . . .

There she sits . . .

On her own, but someone whispers something into her heart . . . something she will never forget, something she will never understand, something she will hold in her heart, something she will shout to the world, something so soft, something so strong, something ageless, something perfect . . .

There she stands . . .

In truth, in light, arms out strelies, eyes open to truth, tired of the possible, longing for the impossible . . .

There she stands . . .

There she realizes . . .

There she knows . . .

There she proclaims . . .



L  O  V  E     N  E  V  E  R     F A I L S"

I wrote it after I first read 1 Corinthians 13. Verses 1- 3, i feel speak vividly why so many people feel unfulfilled in life. If we are not living for something greater than ourselves, then what are we living for? If the meaning of my life isn't something beyond our own existences, then life carries no meaning.

But love. Love love love. Verses 4-13 speak of something so powerful that it is insurmountable. Something so long-lasting that it is ageless. Something so complex that it surpasses all knowledge and understanding.

If love never fails, then love conquers all.

If love conquers all, therein lies my answer.

Mother Theresa put it beautifully in my favourite quote of all time. "I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, just love." This may be a selfish interpretation of the quote, but try and see past that. I have loved until it hurt. I have loved and lost, I have loved and been betrayed, I have been denied love, I have been forced to love, I have been yanked back from love. So do I just keep loving, though I do not understand completely why, in the hope that I really will greet the day where there is no more hurt, just love?

Because to me, that means that though hate and hurt exist, though there will always be new reasons to mourn, to cry, though there will always be a battle or a storm of some sort on the front, it means that while indifference could completely counteract this, I would miss out on what in fact is the meaning of life – to love. Love may not be able to reverse hate and hurt, but it can heal it, and it can offer protection from the next onslaught, and strength for the next battle. It isn't something we create or that we bring into our lives. Love is something that has always been there and always will be, we just choose whether we embrace it or not.

So my revised definition of love? It's so simple and yet so complex.

Love is.

Two words, but I believe they explain it all.

Dear Ian

I could see your darkness
I know it myself sometimes
Isolating
Suffocating
So real that nothing else can compare
It starts small
Appearing in small ways
Tears
Fears
The darkness makes your heart its lair

One day you woke up
And it was gone
Light
Fight
You'd thrown it all away
You screamed goodbye to the world
In silence
Alone
Home
You left me behind that day

For you the fight is over now
You are finished
Free
See
You've gone forever home
And I will miss you for that forever
And ever I will
Sad
Mad
You forgot you were never alone

But for me, I must carry on
The best I can
Heart
Start
Afresh, learning from your loss
I don't know what I'll do without you
I loved you
Broken
Unspoken
My heart forever embossed

From now, a soldier for the weak
Those like you
Silent
Violent
Disposition in their lonely heart
Make me a voice for the brave
Rendered mute
Strength
Length
Undaunted, I say forever from the start.

Re: So Much

All these silly stupid words
Kept running past my ears
And though I tried so desperately
They seemed to persevere

If you hadn't listened
To the whisper lies they told
Those silly stupid little words
Would have died alone and cold

But though they were mere whispers
Each letter was so loud
And buried deep within their hearts
Never to be found

Lies could never have a heart
For a pure heart by love is made
And lies could never carry love
For at their formation its farewell stands bade

I can't exist in a world that
Love has left behind
And while your world feels full of love
That doesn't make it mine

Me, Myself, I

Where be I, the me I know

That disappeared not fast not slow

Nor the me I see each day

Or the me, "you know," you say

Who I was I know I knew

But this I, the nest she flew

Crop circles form where me sets down

And I? Nowhere to be seen nor found

I is missing, the element of me

That made me all you thought I could be

I's not me, nor is me I

But when all is lost together they cry

Secrets

As I walked into my room again I knew she was there; she always is. But she never really left did she. She asked me how my day was. I told her the usual – headaches, tears and a bag of empty dreams. She asked me if I want to fly away. I said why not. With my dreamless bag and big blue eyes I jumped onto her back and we flew out the window in search something more real and meaningful than this pitiful existence we called "life".

As we soared above the clouds I realized for the first time how black she actually was; she was darker than night itself. I guess that's why people feared her; she was the inexplicably accurate portrait of their most hidden deepest darkest secrets. She was all they wanted to be, and all they were when no one was looking.

We hid in the clouds for years and years; together, just the two of us. No need for hopes or dreams or my purposeless bag, all we had was each other and that was more than enough to get by. Slowly as time wore on we become less and less separate beings and started to meld into one another. We grew to be a merge of light and dark; we were more than we were – we were one.

We became so comfortable in our isolation that we didn't notice the day the sky opened until it was too late. There was a crack and we began to freefall. As the air flew past I felt an excruciating ripping sensation. She was torn away from me without warning, we were separated by a force that was even greater than the love and desire we had for each other.

We landed in a valley full of ashes – evidence of past lives lost. On my hands and knees I crawled over to her and placed her paw in my hand. It was so much bigger than mine; even though I was holding her it seemed as if she were still cradling me.

As my eyes travelled across her shaggy bulk, taking in every inch of her until they finally drew to a stop at the place where her heart would be. The patch of fur above it was stained red, and this dreaded inundation was flooding her body until her whole side was a river of crimson regrets and pain.

She turned and looked at me. Her face was covered in the grey, almost metallic ash except for the one trail made by her single tear. As I cradled her and she me, I closed my eyes so as to blink mine back. With my eyes shut I whispered, "Show me more. You're worth so much more to me than a single filthy tear." Her voice came back as if it were nothing more than a breath of wind "You can't fight the tears that aren't coming, regardless of their worth or clarity." Her eyes blinked slowly at me and I squeezed mine shut to hold back the flood that threatened to break through. I bent down and kissed her nose as she allowed her final breath to escape her mouth.

Atop her paw sat my bag of dreams still as empty as ever. I buried my face into her ash covered mass as painful sobs racked my entire body. I cried dirty tears, laden with the ash of my loss, and the loss of those before me. For as dark as she was, she was the most pure thing in existence; the most real and honest being to ever grace the human psyche. As I opened my eyes I was given the privilege of looking at her one final time before she vanished. I was left on my knees in the ash, as empty as the bag I held in my hand.

She stepped into my life and filled a void that nothing else ever could. She changed me when she was around. She was that truth that we all pretend doesn't exist but deep down inside we know lingers from all the past hurts that we have survived. She was real to me, something that no one else seemed to be able to accept. But it seemed that all of a sudden the only difference in my meaningless existence was that now I was like every other person on this earth – I was alone.

Just For You

If I could change it

Just once more new

I'd stop the world's turns

Just for you

 

If you could stay

Though the war be true

I'd stand in battle

Just for you

If the new sky is grey

That old was blue

I'd find the sun

Just for you

 

If I could change that day

And the night too

I'd give my all

Just for you

 

If words could heal

And hearts pursue

I'd search forever

Just for you

 

But now you're gone

Again gone through

My eyes are closed

My life so posed

My heart exposed

. . . Just for you

Sunrise and Specs

She chose to walk a different path

Though others wondered why

Refused to look behind her

Kept her eyes up towards the sky

She chose to stand selectively

No need for earthly things

Saw those for what they really were

Nothing but puppet strings

She pitied every mushroom

For it would never be a tree

And as she longed for more than what she was

Up rose an inward tyranny

The stars, they say, stood witness

But the moon refused to tell

Of how this girl stood free of strings

And let go of all she held

Some saw her rise the sun for them

Some a spec to greet the dawn

But all those within the latter

Awoke one day to find her gone.

The War

I find no crunch of stones soothing

Nor the faded battle cries

Nor the lacticly acidic pent up muscles

Nor the deafening hidden lies.

I see not what’s before me

Nor what is behind

But I do not see what’s at my feet

For the lighting is not kind.

I will not run forever,

Nor see through hazy tears.

Before you know it all will have turned

It will be you that fears.

I have no need for weapons,

For you stand the challenge bare.

But I will use all my strength and mind,

The battle will not be fair.

I have not my own anthem,

I’ve no need for praise or eyes.

You on the other hand without it

Cannot bring your call to rise.

I will stand alone [for now]

I’ll stand strong and true

Knowing nothing of power is worth fearing

Least of all are you.

For anything worth keeping

Must face the timeless test of death

Death to self, death to others

Even death to death.

I now lay down the laws I know

By which I do bequeath

None shall pass, not now, not ever.

And there, you’ll find your wreath.